and it all ended with a horse's hug

So as if there was not enough to think about with the still occurring back problems from the car accident and working all that insurance stuff out, my now new problem with my job, I found something else out; I had a lump on my breast right against the wall of my chest. And like I said, we had family in town and I work pretty much as long as my doctors office is open, so the waiting began.

Luckily my mother in law is an oncology nurse so I had her take a look and see if it was anything to scoff about and she too suggested I have it looked at. But I have one day off and of course my doctor is completely booked for the day. So I keep getting calls back and forth with her nurse since she knows my history as well as my mom's and she referred me to see a specialist.

A whaa?
So if I am not already kind of worried, when my doctor just bypasses me to a specialist I get really nervous.

And so then I am waiting for a call from some other doctor to make an appointment... and of course when I finally do get a call we see that with my crazy schedule and her almost exact hours I cannot be seen until June.

JUNE.? seriously. I cannot wait to see what this lump on my chest is until June! And even more terrifyingly, what is supposed to happen to see what this lump is. I hate needles. Mammograms do not sound like fun. Ugh.

Like an answered prayer the receptionist calls me two days later and says she had a last minute cancel for monday (THANK HOLY CRAPPING COW). But it wasn't until I was faced with it on monday that I was going to a doctor I had never met, at a place I had never been, doing who knows what to my body, where I would hear who knows what news, by myself. As it got closer to the appointment time I was so scared, I even thought about making a different appointment so maybe Sky could go with me. Luckily, I had met with my sweet friend, Katie and baby Clara, and she had prayed with me and reminded me that I am never really alone.

So, I finally get to the doctors and they actually used an ultra sound to detect the exact location and see if it was cancerous or not (apparently the tissue looks differently). The whole process was actually incredibly fascinating, as the little medical nerd popped out of my as I watched her search by breast tissue for cysts. She did find one that was tiny and she said nothing to worry about as it had no abnormal tissue in it and the large lump I felt? "Your just a boney little girl" is how she explained it. "when your tiny like you are your ribs tend to push out and you do have a good chunk of tissue that rolls over it just like a lump, but all it is is tissue". Yup. a tissue lump on my rib, which was now inflamed from me pushing on it so much so it seemed even more like a cyst. I felt really dumb, but she told me it is much better that I came in, we now know of one to keep an eye on, and I know not to push that spot unless I want another one to form.

It was an exhausting day, full of emotion, since I was about on the verge of tears the whole day since I had no idea what the outcome would be, and since I had been holding in all this craziness for so long. From the doctors I went to see my ponies. My sweet Belle nickered as soon as she saw me and I wrapped my arms around her chest and said "guess what, mommy's not sick" and she wrapped her neck around me to give me a big hug. The best cure for anything. Always an answered prayer.

What I didn't want to say

So it has been some time since I wrote, which you may have thought I was just busy and was not able to do my once a week post. In reality, I just didn't want to say.

Some time ago at work we were notified of lay offs higher up in the cooperation and that a low seniority list would be made so as a last alternative the people could look at jobs that they were qualified for a possibly "bump" a person out of their job. We lucky me, I was on the low seniority list and someone out there decided it was best for them to bump me out of my job.

I know.
fantastic .
super.

It is still kind of unreal since I am still there and will be through most of June. And its super unreal because I really have no answers to where to go from here. Currently I am waiting for news from a human resources rep for what jobs are open (which there are pretty much none in our area, so I would probably end up commuting). And I am also looking at comparable jobs that are open.

I thought upon hearing the news I would be super bummed or depressed or sad, and really my main feeling was embarrassed.

super embarrassed. I mean its an awesome job. where can I go from here thats much better? And here it was such a big deal, a big answered prayer that I got it. And now, I don't. How could I loose it? I didn't do anything wrong...

It's the last thing I expected to feel or have overwhelm me, but I still am kind of in this fog of embarrassment and confusion. And then there is that now what feeling while Skyler and I try to find solutions for every circumstance that could come from this. Which is hard considering we do not have much information yet.

We refrained from really saying anything to anyone for a bit of time. We had family visiting so there was no way we could mention anything then, and plus, we do not have answers and really we don't want people to worry about us.  We know it will be okay, we know that it will work out because God always takes care of us. Definitely not the way we expected, or currently think we want, but we know that it will end up taking us to a better place. It's just scary.

I recently visited the compounding pharmacy in our area which actually has me really excited because it  is a lab pharmacy where it wouldn't be so much retail, but more so the science part of it which I love.  But it is still all up in the air what will happen. We just keep praying. And praying. andddd praying.

And counting blessings. I find this is the most comforting

So yes, this is what has been happening. I am not sure yet what we will learn or maybe what we are learning, but this is whats happening.

So some things for you all, since who knows if you are here or have these thoughts ---

Proverbs 3:5-6
Phillipians 4:13
Matthew6:25-27

((credit due to my fantastic friends with bible verses for random statuses. ))

oh and more things happen. not very fantastic things. but you will just have to wait :)

God Works in Mysterious Ways